I want Funny Jokes, no jokes about why did the chicken cross the road or bar jokes, or lame jokes. I want real funny jokes
thnx xx
Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth II die and go to heaven. St Peter meets them at the pearly gates and says "Sorry ladies, there's only room for one of you in heaven today. Whoever can provide the best reason for being allowed in may enter."
Dolly unbuttons her blouse, takes off her bra and says to Peter "Look at these! These are the most perfectly formed breasts in the world! God Himself created these! Don't you think he'd like to admire his handiwork?"
Queen Elizabeth says nothing, and instead reaches into her handbag and pulls out a bottle of sparkling mineral water. She removes the lid, takes a swig, gargles and then spits it into a toilet and flushes.
"Very good Your Royal Highness" says St Peter "you may enter!"
"Hey, come on! That's not fair!" exclaims Dolly indignantly "I show you the most perfectly formed pair of breasts, one of God's finest creations and you let her in just because she spits into a toilet!!!! Why???"
"Sorry Dolly" St Peter replies, "Even in heaven, a Royal Flush beats a Pair, no matter how big they are!"
April 25th, 2009 at 7:02 pm
Here are my jokes that i have collected on my site.I'm not easily pleased so i guarantee some will make you laugh okay??? let me know good or not???
http://area102.piczo.com/?g=37734849&cr=4
References :
April 25th, 2009 at 7:14 pm
A family is sitting around the supper table. The son asks his father, “Dad, how many kinds of breasts are there?
The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions.”
“Onions?”
“Yes, you see them and they make you cry.”
This infuriated the wife and daughter. So the daughter said ” Mom, how many kinds of penises are there?”
The mother, surprised, smiles and looks at her daughter and answers, “Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In a man’s twenties, his penis is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree.”
“A Christmas tree?”
“Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only!”
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April 25th, 2009 at 7:45 pm
whats red and smells like paint? red paint whats black and white and eats like a horse? a zebra whats green and sings? elvis parsley a woodworm walks into a bar and says is the bartender here? (think about it) what do you call a black man in a plane? a pilot you racist
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April 25th, 2009 at 8:03 pm
I thought of the first one by my self…..
What did the growing baby inside the mommy say?
"I need more womb!"
Get it?
I need more "room" sounds like "womb"?
get it now?
no?
How about this…
A man walks into a bar with a Girraffe.
They all get pissed.
The Girraffe falls over, and the man goes to leave,
The Bartender says "Oy! You can't leave that lying there!"
The Man says "No. It's not a Lion,…its a Girraffe."
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April 25th, 2009 at 8:43 pm
Jesus goes to the jobcentre looking for a job. the employment officer asks "what work do you do?" Jesus replies "I'm a carpenter by trade".
Employment officer checks the computer system an says "we have 2 carpenter jobs in at the moment, one in Jarrow for £350 per week, the other in Jerusalem for £3500 per week"
Jesus thinks for a moment and says "I'll take the job in Jarrow, last time I worked in Jerusalem I got hammered with tax"
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April 25th, 2009 at 9:01 pm
A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey – its not that hard."
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April 25th, 2009 at 9:39 pm
A southern woman and a northern woman were sitting next to each other on a plane.
The southern woman turned to the northern woman and said,
"Where you goin' too?".
The northern woman responded,
"Excuse me, it is not proper to use a preposition at the end of sentence".
The southern woman thought for a second and responded,
"Where you goin' too bich?"
References :
Sorry I misspelled bich, but it won't let me.
I live in Alabama, and hear it all the time.
April 25th, 2009 at 10:14 pm
A lawyer goes to heaven.
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April 25th, 2009 at 10:55 pm
Two babies were sitting in their cribs, when one baby shouted to the other, 'Are you a little girl or a little boy?'
'I don't know,' replied the other baby giggling.
'What do you mean, you don't know?' said the first baby.
'I mean I don't know how to tell the difference,' was the reply.
'Well, I do,' said the first baby chuckling, 'I'll climb into your crib and find out.'
He carefully manoeuvred himself into the other baby's crib, then quickly disappeared beneath the blankets. After a couple of minutes, he resurfaced with a big grin on his face.
'You're a little girl, and I'm a little boy,' he said proudly.
'You're ever so clever,' cooed the baby girl, 'but how can you tell ?'
'It's quite easy really,' replied the baby boy,
You've got pink socks and I've got blue ones."
References :
April 25th, 2009 at 11:37 pm
A boy and his father were sitting in the garage one night when the boy announced, "Hey dad, I had s*x for the first time last night!"
The father replied, "Good job son!" and he pulls out a couple of beers to celebrate. "Now, do you have any questions?" his dad asks.
"Yeah," replies the boy, "When will my butt stop hurting?"
~~~~~~~~~~————————–~~…
A bear was chasing a rabbit around a tree, because the rabbit had stole his magic lamp. Eventually, the rabbit started to rub it so he could escape from the bear. The genie popped out, but yelled at both of them saying, "I should kill you both for how you have been acting!! but, if you promise to stop, i'll grant you both 3 wishes."
They agree and the bear announced, "I'll go first. I wish, I had the biggest c0ck of all bears on the Earth." so he got his wish.
The rabbit says, "I wish, that I had a motorcycle, with unlimited gas." so he got his wish.
The bear then says, "I wish that all the bears in the world except me were girl bears!" so he got his wish.
the Rabbit then says, "I wish I had an unlimited supply of carrots."
his wish came true.
Then the bear announced his final wish. "I wish all the girl bears were attracted to me and wanted to screw me!" so he got his wish.
Then the Rabbit announced his final wish. "I wish that he was GAY!" and then he drives off on his motorcycle.
:] hope you enjoyed.
References :
April 25th, 2009 at 11:42 pm
A large, powerfully-built guy meets a woman at a bar. After a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place. As they are making out in the bedroom, he stands up and starts to undress.
After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, "See that, baby? That''s 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She begins to drool.
The man drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder''s pose, and says, referring to his bulging thighs, "See those, baby? That''s 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She is aching for action at this point.
Finally, he drops his underpants, and after a quick glance, she grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door.
He catches her before she is able to leave and asks, "Why are you in such a hurry to go?"
She replies, "With 2000 pounds of dynamite and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!"
References :
April 26th, 2009 at 12:06 am
Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth II die and go to heaven. St Peter meets them at the pearly gates and says "Sorry ladies, there's only room for one of you in heaven today. Whoever can provide the best reason for being allowed in may enter."
Dolly unbuttons her blouse, takes off her bra and says to Peter "Look at these! These are the most perfectly formed breasts in the world! God Himself created these! Don't you think he'd like to admire his handiwork?"
Queen Elizabeth says nothing, and instead reaches into her handbag and pulls out a bottle of sparkling mineral water. She removes the lid, takes a swig, gargles and then spits it into a toilet and flushes.
"Very good Your Royal Highness" says St Peter "you may enter!"
"Hey, come on! That's not fair!" exclaims Dolly indignantly "I show you the most perfectly formed pair of breasts, one of God's finest creations and you let her in just because she spits into a toilet!!!! Why???"
"Sorry Dolly" St Peter replies, "Even in heaven, a Royal Flush beats a Pair, no matter how big they are!"
References :