Go Free Humor

7 Responses

1. Me! Says:
   April 20th, 2009 at 4:09 pm

   Here are blonde jokes:

   THE T.V.
   A blonde went to electronics store and she asked, "How is much is this TV?" The salesman said, "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes."
   The next day she came back as a brunette. She asked the salesman how much the TV was. He said, "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes."
   The next day she came back as a red head and asked the salesman how much the TV was. He said, "Sorry we don't sell to blondes."
   She replied, " I came in here as a brunette and a red head. How do you know I am a blonde?"
   "Because that is not a TV, it's a microwave

   FIRST BLONDE ON THE SUN
   A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
   The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
   The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"
   The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
   To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"

   THE LUNCH
   3 construction guys were working on a skyscraper, up on the 40th floor.
   At lunch, the bald guy said "Every day my wife packs me a tuna sandwich. If there's tuna again today, I'm gonna jump off this building!". He checks it & sure enough it's tuna again so old baldy jumps.
   The redhead then says "Every day I get a cheese sandwich for lunch from my wife. If it's cheese again today then I'm jumping off here, too!". Sure enough, it's cheese so the redheaded guy jumps off.
   Then the blond guy says "I always get a jelly sandwich. If it's jelly again then I'm jumping, too!". He checks & it's jelly so he jumps.
   At the memorial service for the 3 guys, their wives are talking about this.
   Both the bald guy's wife & the redhead's wife said the same thing, "I don't understand why my husband jumped. If I had know he wanted something else to eat for lunch, I'd have gave it to him.".
   Then the blond man's wife says " I don't understand why my husband jumped. He always made his own lunch.".

   HOW LONG
   A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?" The agent replies, "Just a minute…" "Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.

   THE PHONE BOOK
   A blonde walks angrily to the front desk in the library, and says “This book is boring, it has no plot, and too many characters.”
   The libraian said “Oh, so you‘re the one who took our phone book…..”
   THE GREAT BLONDE KIDDNAP
   A blonde was in urgent need of cash. In order to raise some money, she decided the only way was to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.
   She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, “I’ve kidnapped you.”
   She then wrote a note saying, “I have kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $100,000 in a paper bag and put it under the tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde.”
   The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid’s shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.
   The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the tree.
   The Blonde opened the bag and found the $100,000 with a note that said, “How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?”

   ELECTRIC CHAIR
   Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation. They get drunk and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning – though none of them can remember what they did the night before.
   The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words. She says, “I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent.” They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness,
   and release her.
   The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words. “I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent.” They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. Again they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness and release her.
   The last one (you know it), a blonde, is strapped in and says, “Well, I’m from the University of Texas and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I’ll tell ya right now, ya’ll ain’t gonna electrocute nobody if you don’t plug this thing in.”
   References :

2. Howie419 Says:
   April 20th, 2009 at 4:41 pm

   Here are the three funniest jokes i've ever heard…

   1.) there s nun a lawyer and a priest

   all are on a boat..a meteor hits the boat and starts sink the nun screams"save the children", the lawyer says"fu[c]k the children", the priest says " do we have the time"

   2.) A man walks into a bar and orders a drink, then he sees a monkey in a cage..

   so like a normal person he asks "hey bar keep whats the deal wit the monkey", you dont wanna know, "common u sparked my curiosity" ok ok fine *bar keep lets the monkey out of the cage, then violently hits it in the head then the monkey starts giving him a blo[w] jo[b]*, barkeep says"there now u know… wanna try it?" the man says" HELL YES just don't hit me that hard"

   3.)A blonde and her brunette friend were talking. The blonde says, "I hate all the blonde jokes people say."

   "Oh, they are only jokes. There are alot of stupid people out there. Here I'll prove it to you," replies her brunette friend.

   So they went outside and hailed a taxi driver.

   "Please take me to 29 Nickle Street to see if I'm home," said the brunette.

   The taxi drove them and when they finally got out the brunette looked at the blonde and said, "See that guy was really stupid."

   "No kidding," replies the blonde." There was a pay phone just around the corner. You could have called instead."

   XD
   References :

3. ✰♫✰♫✰♫SurfySez♫✰♫✰♫✰ Says:
   April 20th, 2009 at 5:05 pm

   Yes – sorry its long…
   The Tesco Doctor:
   One day, in line at the works cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him,
   'My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I'd better see a doctor!'
   Listen mate ; don't waste your time down at the surgery, Mike replies.
   There's a diagnostic computer at Tescos. Just give it a urine sample
   and the computer will tell you what's wrong, and what to do about it.
   It takes ten seconds and only costs five quid….a lot quicker and
   better than a doctor and you get Clubcard points'.
   So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Tesco.
   He deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks for the
   urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
   Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
   'You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy
   activity. It will improve in two weeks'.
   That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack
   began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
   He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples
   from his wife and daughter, and 'pleasured himself' into the mixture for
   good measure. Jack hurried back to the shop, eager to check what would
   happen.
   He deposits five pounds, pours in his concoction, and awaits the
   results with a grin. The computer prints the following:
   1) Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
   2) Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo..
   3) Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
   4) Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
   5) And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never
   get better…
   Thank you for shopping at Tesco

   or

   One Christmas, Santa was having a really bad day. The local elves union was up in arms over their contract and were threatening a walk-out. Mrs. Clause was pissed that Santa was never around to appreciate all of the hard work she had been doing around the house. Santa decided he needed to go home, sit in front of a fire and relax.

   When he got there, Miss Clause was all up in his face and wouldn't let down. Then, there was a knock on the door. It was Rudolph. He said the reindeer were sick and tired of Santa not upgrading to the new lightweight sliegh and they were joining the elves walkout. Santa slammed the door and threatend "The next person who knocks on that door is gonna get it!"

   At that time, there was a knock on the door. Santa flung the door open and there stood a tiny little angel. The angel had been searching for the perfect Christmas tree for Santa's house all day long, until it found the perfect one. The little angel asked, "Santa, I was wondering where you would like me to stick this tree?"

   And that is the story of how the angel atop the tree tradition began.
   References :

4. sandisk man Says:
   April 20th, 2009 at 5:55 pm

   Only three doors
   An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

   The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

   The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

   JADE GOODY

   My jade goody calender ended at the 22nd of march

   Glad to be drunk
   A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."

   Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"

   "Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."

   Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."

   Blonde paint job
   A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

   "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
   The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
   The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

   A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
   "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

   Generous lawyer
   A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

   "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

   The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

   Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um … no."

   The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

   The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

   "or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

   The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea…"

   On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

   0 to 200 in 6 seconds
   Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
   really pissed.

   She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
   driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

   The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
   up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
   gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

   Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
   the box back in the house.

   She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

   Bob has been missing since Friday.

   Your Daughter is Pregnant
   A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of the daughter's swollen abdomen.

   It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say, "Gimme a break, lady! Your daughter is pregnant!"

   The mother turn red with fury, and she argued with the doctor that *her* daughter was a good girl, and would *never* compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy.

   The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon.

   The mother became enraged and screamed, "Quit looking out the window! Aren't you paying attention to me?"

   "Yes, of course I am paying attention, ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the east, and three wise men came. I was hoping they'd show up again, and help me figure out who got your daughter pregnant!"
   References :
   I HAVE BEEN DOING STAND UP FOR 21 YEARS

5. Brainz Says:
   April 20th, 2009 at 6:18 pm

   Electric Train

   A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of b!tches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of b!tches who are getting on, get your a$$es in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."
   The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."
   Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
   As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the B!TCH in the kitchen!!!."

   ****

   Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

   Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

   Woman: Oh, I see.

   Officer: Can I see your license please?

   Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

   Officer: Don't have one?

   Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.

   Officer: I see…Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

   Woman: I can't do that.

   Officer: Why not?

   Woman: I stole this car.

   Officer: Stole it?

   Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

   Officer: You what?

   Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want
   to see.

   The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and
   calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior
   officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

   Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

   The woman steps out of her vehicle.

   Woman: Is there a problem sir?

   Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this
   car and murdered the owner.

   Woman: Murdered the owner?

   Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car,
   please.

   The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

   Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

   Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

   The first officer is stunned.

   Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving
   license.

   The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and
   hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and
   examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

   Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't
   have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked
   up the owner.

   Woman: Betcha the lying bastard told you I was speeding too!!!.
   References :

6. 3viL W!TcH Says:
   April 20th, 2009 at 6:52 pm

   Who’s On First for the Next Generation
   George Bush: Condi! Nice to see you. What’s happening?
   Condoleezza Rice: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
   George: Great. Lay it on me.
   Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
   George: That’s what I want to know.
   Condi: That’s what I’m telling you.
   George: That’s what I’m asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
   Condi: Yes.
   George: I mean the fellow’s name.
   Condi: Hu.
   George: The guy in China.
   Condi: Hu.
   George: The new leader of China.
   Condi: Hu.
   George: The Chinaman!
   Condi: Hu is leading China.
   George: Now whaddya’ asking me for?
   Condi: I’m telling you Hu is leading China.
   George: Well, I’m asking you. Who is leading China?
   Condi: That’s the man’s name.
   George: That’s who’s name?
   Condi: Yes.
   George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?
   Condi: Yes, sir.
   George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.
   Condi: That’s correct.
   George: Then who is in China?
   Condi: Yes, sir.
   George: Yassir is in China?
   Condi: No, sir.
   George: Then who is?
   Condi: Yes, sir.
   George: Yassir?
   Condi: No, sir.
   George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of
   China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
   Condi: Kofi?
   George: No, thanks.
   Condi: You want Kofi?
   George: No.
   Condi: You don’t want Kofi.
   George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.
   Condi: Yes, sir.
   George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
   Condi: Kofi?
   George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
   Condi: And call who?
   George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
   Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
   George: Will you stay out of China?!
   Condi: Yes, sir.
   George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
   Condi: Kofi.
   George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.
   References :

7. **BaD-gAl-SaFfY-iN-dA-hOuSe** Says:
   April 20th, 2009 at 7:04 pm

   here are 101 funny jokes: http://www.101funjokes.com/
   References :

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